ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Then you guys just all showered together...?
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
