Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
