who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
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