In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
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