Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
3 2 1 whiskey
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
