she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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