I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
