Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
