I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
