It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize
