I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
