I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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