Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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