I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Sober January is a disaster.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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