my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Randomize
