Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
