wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
After last night, I could never be a politician.
He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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