good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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