it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
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