I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize
