just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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