i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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