yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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