I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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