So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
