I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
