Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
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