i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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