I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I want a musical about memes.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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