i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
