why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
