I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
