She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
