I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
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