My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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