I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
