I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
