ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
