Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
