My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
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