I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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