i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
