morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
not ubering you a puppy
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
