I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
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