my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
