i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
