I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
