I painted my nails silver
And what are the implications of that?
Is there supposed to be a msg in that? Just thought ud like to know it looks like I fingerbanged an alien
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
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