I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
