He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Randomize
