so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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